49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #6: TELL YOURSELF STORIES WITH HAPPY ENDINGS

Because if you're anything like me, you are very proficient in creating mental disaster scenarios (that never actually happen but that you run down nonetheless), but less fluent in telling yourself stories in which things work out better than you could ever have imagined and you live happily ever after, or that at least work out fine. 

The disaster-scenario thing is human nature, a survival instinct from a bygone era during which our forbears who heard rustling in the bush and assumed that it was, say, a bear, survived; whereas the one who assumed it was a bird, well, let's say they're no longer with us. Even when it wasn't a bear, the one who made up the story that it *was* a bear had an advantage. The ones who spooked easiest were more likely to live. In that respect we have all descended from scaredy cats, which makes our ability to tell negative stories particularly well developed. 

I know stories. When I worked in corporate yet longed to be a writer, I would sit in the sunroom of my beautiful 4-bedroom home, never having missed a bill or a meal, and yet convince myself that if I became a writer I would be destitute and homeless. I would make up these stories as I lay on the sofa, while listening to comforting music and sparrows chirping outside the window of my sunroom. My heart would be racing and everything -- all based on a story. Once I even walked through every room of my home and identified what I would take with me if I did, in fact, end up homeless. This helped me get clear on what was important -- my journals, family photos, genealogical research, art, rugs and writing -- and what was not: any of the clothes, shoes or other stuff I have accumulated so that somehow one person's stuff now fills every closet in a house meant for four. (That's a subject for a different post.)

Fortunately, the writer in me knows that I can just delete the last story and create a new one. It's as simple as hitting the backspace key. However, sometimes it takes my family and good friends to redirect my attention away from the disaster du jour and to remind me to imagine a happy ending (see 49 GOING ON 50 MENTORING TIP #4: Build the family you want to have, wherever you are, consisting of the people you want to be related to). 

Overcoming this human instinct in a society that profits from keeping us fearful (read: it encourages us to buy dogs, guns, gates, security systems, houses in "better" neighborhoods away from people who we imagine to be different from us, etc.) takes discipline. It has taken me years to progress as far as I have. But disaster scenarios that once kept me stuck for years now run their course in about 60 seconds and I laugh at the while they play. Ah, progress! 

And now having practiced creating stories with amazing endings for about 15 years, I'm discovering that the things I imagine and work towards turn into my life. But that's a whole 'nother post for a whole 'nother day.

What are your thoughts and experiences with this?

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #4: CREATE THE FAMILY YOU WANT TO HAVE

One of my younger friends asked for some advice recently. Her family is very dysfunctional so she has separated herself from them. But she's noticing that she's scared to rock the boat by bringing up difficult issues with her partner because she fears losing the only person who feels like family to her. She also feels paralyzed to change her job because she feels so alone. I could relate to hear fears. While I have always had a lot more support than my friend, when I was in my 20s I lived 500 miles away from my family in a place where I didn't yet have a lot of friends.

You can't choose who you are related to, but you don't have to limit your family to people who are related to you by blood. You can build the family you want to have, wherever you are, consisting of the people you want to be related to. If I had known in my early 20s to build a supportive infrastructure locally that replicates a traditional extended family and spiritual community, it would have saved me a lot of loneliness as well as some less-than-optimal decisions, made because I was missing input from people who truly understood and cared for me. I had to figure this out the hard way. It has taken some time and intentionality, but I now have that infrastructure in place. You can do this, too. 

My friend has now identified several people who she would like to call her family. She is now in the process of talking to them to make this formal request. One woman has agreed to be her mother and she invited me to be her sister. What an honor! 

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #3: GO ANYWAY

49-GOING-ON-50 MENTORING TIP #3: When a funky little voice in your head starts running down the reasons why you shouldn't go to worship service, yoga class, aerobics, spinning, the pool, ceramics class, your knitting circle or any other activity you use to center and/or take care of yourself, ignore it. And truly pay it no mind if it's telling you not to go to your church, temple, mosque, spiritual meeting, etc. The fact that your funky voice is so active is the exact sign that you need the very self-care activity that it wants you to reject. So attend anyway. 

The exception I make to this rule of thumb is when going to whatever it is has become just another busy activity and the better way of taking care of myself is by slowing down and resting or engaging in self-care at home. At this age I now know always to honor that. 

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #2: KEEP MOVING TOWARD YOUR DREAMS IN THE FACE OF UNCERTAINTY

Recently, as I was leaving Bible study, a young woman approached me for mentoring advice. She was moving forward on what she felt was her Spiritual Calling, which she was very excited about. But one part of her felt sure that she was moving in the right direction, but another part of her felt very insecure. She had never stepped outside of her comfort zone before and now her fears were starting to bubble up. What should she do? I was really glad she asked, since I have been there, done that and bought and worn the tee-shirt.

Because let's face it: a lot of things we once thought were secure weren't really so certain at all. For example: Enron, Arthur Anderson, the World Trade Center, the real estate market, the U.S. economy, a job as a lawyer, or at the post office, or as a teacher. And a lot of things that didn't previously exist are now central to the lives of many people: the Internet, cell phones, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram to name a few recent examples. They too, however, will pass.

So move in the direction of your dreams, but don't stress about whether things turn out exactly as you envisioned. They probably won't and you don't want them to. The world is dynamic and you will (hopefully) grow and change. There's also no need to wed yourself to an idea or a vision of yourself that represents a previous level of your development. I find that as I move toward my dreams things often turn out better that I had imagined. For example, I used to envision myself as becoming a novelist. I had no idea that book collaborating existed. But I do a lot of that now and absolutely love it! 

And the insecurity that you may feel as you step into new situations is temporary. The more new things you try, the more likely it is that you will develop a new skill set: the ability to feel comfortable in situations when you don't know the answers. You will start to know discover that no matter what happens, you will know how to handle it when the time comes. And that confidence will empower you to take even greater steps forward. It will also give you peace from the fears that used to keep you stuck in a life that you longed to outgrow. When you know you can handle pretty much anything that comes your way, there's much less to fear. Least of all yourself. That was my advice.

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #1: TAKE OFF THE 4" to 6" HEELS.

Yes, they are beautiful. Yes, they will make you taller and more powerful feeling. Yes, men will love how your legs look in them, and other women will envy you. 

But try them on for fun and then leave them in the store. 

I know Jimmy Choo is probably sending me death wishes -- Okay, Jimmy Choo has no idea who I am. But if he did he would be shooting me daggers. -- but being fashionable is not worth the foot problems that will likely result for today's women, many of whom are from wearing the highest heels that women have ever worn in the history of humankind. Just because a shoe is beautiful doesn't mean you have to squeeze your foot into it. Admire it; pin it on your Pinterest page; fantasize about it. Then leave it alone.

You really don't want to reach a point in your life where every single step you take is painful -- it would shut down your life. Nor do you want to have chronic back pain or knee replacement surgery. These are likely outcomes from wearing these types of shoes regularly, not to mention the fact that you can sprain (or break) your ankle -- or neck!  So leave the shoes in the store (and the money in your wallet). 
 

At what price beauty and fashion?

At what price beauty and fashion?

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tips: WHY I'M WRITING THEM

For the past several years, I've experienced a crush of women between the ages 27 and 39 who are asking me to mentor them. I feel honored that they're asking, I haven't quite figured out how to handle so many requests. So I've decided that over the 30 days between now and my 50th birthday, I am going to share some advice that I would have loved for somebody to share with me -- some personal, some professional, some that I've gathered on my faith walk as I've followed by spiritual calling. Here goes...

You Are Your Own Ghandi, Mandela and King

 

Women's rights, peace and social-justice activist Leymah Gbowee, one of three women who shared the Nobel Peace Prize this year, helped organize more than 3,000 Christian and Muslim women to peacefully protest Liberia's civil war, helping to end the horrific violence there. The award-winning documentary Pray the Devil Back to Hell (click here to view the trailer) depicts the movement that the women carried out. Not only did they risk their lives to challenge Liberia's leaders, they leveraged all of their power, including refusing to have sex with their husbands until the war ended. 

Many of us are experiencing far less devastating circumstances yet feel powerless to act and unable to overcome them. Gbowee's experience can inspire us. She suggests: 

If you have a situation that seems endless and negative, don't wait for a Ghandi, don't wait for a King, don't wait for a Mandela. You are your own Mandela, you are your own Ghandi, you are your own King. You know your issues, you know your concerns, and you know the solution. Rise up and do something to change your situation around.

Enjoy this 4-minute video interview of her. Watch more of her at OdysseyNetworks.org. 

 

9 Secrets to a Satisfying Life

Are you on the road to having a satisfying life that will leave you with few regrets? Recently my 109-year-old friend shared some wisdom on how to live a life that will not leave me wishing that I woulda, coulda, shoulda. Her list was simple but oh-so-hard to execute. 

 

Advice from a 109-Year-Old: Relax. Stop Worrying. Don't Sweat the "Stuff"

Recently I had the amazing opportunity to attend the birthday party of a centenarian. Mrs. Eula Cousins turned 109 this month, and as happens every year, a group of women gathered to celebrate her life. This particular group is what my friend Jackie Radford has labeled a "wisdom circle". It consists of women from every decade of life--from their teens, through young adulthood, through middle age, through the senior years, and though the old-old and Mrs. Cousins herself. And its intention is to share information inter-generationally. "Older women have a lot of information to share, but you have to ask them," Jackie says. Mrs. Cousins' cut buddies consist of a group of 4 or 5 90-something-year-old-women, so experience abounds. Each year, these women share pearls--big fat Hope diamonds, actually--of wisdom, advice for better living, marvel at our lives-- and rejoice that they don't have to live them.

This year our elders kept returning to a similar theme: God has a plan. They repeated this statement so many times--using these words and others--that I wondered if there are things they can see from the vantage point of their senior years that the rest of us cannot because we are too young. So I asked them: From the vantage point of having lived nearly a century or more, can you look back over your life and see patterns, or make sense of what took place, in ways that you cannot when you are younger? That is to say: Can you connect the dots of your life? 

Their answer? A resounding yes. This response made the remainder of their advice make tremendous sense. It was:

 1. Relax. There's no need to worry or stress ourselves out the way that we do. In the end, things are going to be okay.

 2. Become less attached to material things. They're meaningless, our elders told us, and we're way too tied to them. They detract from our peace of mind, hinder our freedom and cause us to worry and stress out too much—major reasons we struggle to relax.

3. Get less caught up in the circumstances of our lives. Just as material possessions come and go, circumstances do also. When you look back on them later in life, the women said, life's happenings mean something entirely different--carry an entirely different significance--than they did at the time that they happened. To me, this suggests that things don't mean what we think they do—that we should stop judging, assigning meaning to and beating ourselves up about them.

We "young" women of the wisdom circle found this advice very timely and wise. And in this post Great Recession/ Depression era, anything we can do to reduce the pressure on our finances and reduce our stress can vastly improve our quality of life. 

 

Feeling Lost Along Your Journey?

Anyone who steps off of the beaten path to change their career, or follow a Spiritual Calling or dream, is bound to feel disoriented or discombobulated from time to time. Here I share some advice based on my experience of following my passion into my dream career -- a process I embarked upon when I left corporate America in 1992 -- and landing on my feet. Since I began working for myself and pursuing my Spiritual Calling, even thought I'm self employed I haven't looked for work for over 10 years.

What's the Difference Between a Career and a Calling?

People ask my thoughts about this quite often. I have learned to try to operate out of my Calling, which I capitalize to connote the spiritual nature of that work. This leaves me subject to the laws -- the possibilities! -- associated with God's power, as opposed to the laws of man or of the economy, which, for many people, aren't so great for many people. But for a handful of lucky people their Calling is also their career. I hope you find these thoughts helpful.

Invisible "Things" Become Physical Things

Here's some advice on how to connect the dots between so-called coincidences, intuitions, occurrences and other "things" that happen in your life -- "things" that you want to trust but aren't sure that you can. These non-tangible occurrences are often real "things," just on the invisible side of life -- before they take physical form. The problem often is that there's no one to validate them for us. Here are some thoughts about the supernatural side of life.

Another Reason Why Journalists Need to Use Twitter

You can build a following that's interested in you -- not your newspaper or magazine. You. So when you leave, they can find and follow you wherever you go. Even if you don't land a job, you can still communicate with them. You can offer products and services.  

If you find what you're reading interesting, you should follow me on Twitter and join my Facebook fan page. 

An Ode to (Becoming) My Mother

Mommy on her honeymoon, as captured by my fatherMany years ago I declared to myself that I would become a global citizen. That I wanted to speak five languages; I wanted to feel comfortable with any person, in any location in the world. I think of this as I fly across the Atlantic, from Philadelphia to Rome to Vienna to the International AIDS Conference, alone—no, solo—neither speaking Italian nor German yet not feeling nervous or afraid. When did I become this woman, so comfortable, confident and secure? How did I birth her out of the anxious perfectionist of my youth, and when? If I have achieved this at 48, who and how will I be at 50, 55, 75, 90, I wonder? I stare these numbers on the screen, having written them in to describe my (future) self for the first time and am surprised that they do not scare me.  

I say a prayer of thanks to my mother. Because of her I do not share the obsession with youth possessed by so many American women. I don't want to turn back the clock or change any of the choices that have placed me in window-seat 9F on US Airways flight 718, now bumping through night's blackness at some incalculable altitude. On the rare occasions when I look at myself closely in the mirror, I enjoy the sunrays that splay from the corners of my eyes, brightening the world with my kindness. I am cool with the halo of whiteness that illuminates my face, surprising me each time I notice the lightness streak across my temple at a new angle--surprising my friends, especially those older than I am, who continue to compliment my "color". Apparently saying the words "grey hair" out loud has become impolite. I find this very bizarre. Fortunately I didn't get the memo. 

My feelings may change, of course—I am comfortable enough at 48 to alter my choices or course in midstream without apology or explanation—but I have no desire to cover my hair color, celebrate another 29th birthday or pretend that 50 is the new 40. Age is honored in traditional African societies. Elders are respected for achieving longevity, for having solved and overcome the issues of life, for their wisdom, for their collection of friends, for the esteem in which others hold them, for favors that people owe them. Neither wrinkles nor dementia can diminish these achievements.

My mother embraced her maturity, as well. Even as she grappled with breast cancer, feared dying, felt uncertain that the disease the doctors pronounced her cured of was really gone for good, Mommy enjoyed growing older. She took pleasure in her work as a college counselor, felt proud of her grown children, all living in different cities; hot-air ballooned over farmhouses (you can hear the people talking below, she told me, amazed); toured Europe as a member of the Cleveland Orchestra Chorus; accidentally on purpose drifted away from her tour guide to walk the streets of Peking, taking pictures of the children who flocked around her, some of whom were seeing their photograph for the first time, and whose excitement revealed her location to the authorities; delivered meals to the elderly every Thanksgiving and Christmas. My mother's sister, Aunt Bonnie, believes that while in Europe my mother visited Vienna.  

At every age my mother lived a life of meaning and of service. This is the model that I long to live up to—a rich and joyful, time-tested way of living that served her so well. The way of life that made the golden flecks in her forest-green eyes sparkle, that caused her to spin in circles and shout "Yipee!" whenever she greeted me at the airport, that lay down the footsteps that I hope to trace, as I hurtle above the clouds toward the rose-colored horizon, toward Rome, toward Vienna, my destiny.